Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
