I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
