Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
