I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
