just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
