sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
