How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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