I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
