I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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