Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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