guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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