So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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