Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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