It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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