I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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