I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
