i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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