dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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