i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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