I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it glows. i had to have it.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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