i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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