There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
