he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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