it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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