listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
