Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
