dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
