Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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