A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
