So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
