i think my tv is drunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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