What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We have so much sex to catch up on
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
