Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
