I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
