he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
