we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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