do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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