I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
