So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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