I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
