Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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