he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
