I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
