omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
