She is in my trunk
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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