Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
