i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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