now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
