I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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