How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
