Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
